Let’s talk about deservedness and how it plays a role in your life. When something unfavorable happens in your life – a rejection, a setback, a painful experience- how do you explain it to yourself? When positive experiences and “perfect days” occur, do you fully believe you deserve them?
An interesting topic in psychology that can help us understand these feelings is deservedness. Sometimes, unfavorable or random, painful things happen. Your mind then rationalizes this experience, telling yourself the dangerous story that “Maybe I deserved this.” This can become a powerful force that can influence our actions and how we treat ourselves. Thinking this way is a trap and leads to patterns of self-neglect or self-punishment. But here’s the truth: bad luck, trauma, or pain doesn’t make you undeserving of care, food, or kindness.
Essentially, deservedness is based on how you view the good or bad outcomes. You can’t control everything, but you can be mindful of how you internalize your experiences.
Understanding the Impact of Deservedness
According to the Just World hypothesis, it tells us that people have a tendency to believe that good things happen to good people and that the world is fair. This belief can feel comforting because it creates an illusion of control.
However, when something random and painful happens, it threatens this worldview.
Furthermore, self-esteem can drop because, to protect the idea that the world is orderly, many of us unconsciously blame ourselves.
We think: “Maybe this bad thing happened because I’m not good enough.”
For example, if you don’t get a job that you wanted, you might think, “I failed because I am not good enough”. An alternative and more realistic thought could be “Sometimes even qualified and deserving candidates are passed over — this does not reflect my worth”.
When self-esteem gets chipped away, you risk believing that you deserve bad outcomes. Which can create toxic cycles.
Challenging false deservingness beliefs is key to healing and building self-compassion.
The Role of Social Deservedness
Another aspect of deservedness is social deservedness – how others view you, whether that’s from the people around you or society as a whole. Others around you may regard you as having a low standard, which can lower their expectations for you. These feelings and expectations towards you do not define you, but they can be discouraging and painful.
On the other hand, you might also experience higher expectations from others. With higher expectations, enhanced pressure often follows. When you think about what you deserve and your self-esteem, it is natural to consider both your perceptions and how you believe others see you.
Sometimes, when others expect a lot from you, it can feel difficult to accept positive views, especially if you don’t feel like you deserve that recognition. This can lead to self-sabotaging behavior, apprehension, and fear.
Additionally, projected low expectations can affect your perception of your deservedness and your worth. Both kinds of social feedback – high and low expectations – become impactful when you start internalizing the outside opinions and turning them into part of your self-image.
The social aspect of deservedness is just as powerful as your personal view of yourself. As a society, we tend to place significant value on how others view us.
It’s important to remember that external opinions do not determine your worth. Higher self-judgements, which can be influenced by the people around you, diminish feelings of undeservedness.
Positive self-judgment that’s not shaped by outside influences can help negative feelings of deservedness – connecting with your intrinsic values is key.
How Deservedness Beliefs Fuel Disordered Eating
Overcoming disordered eating habits is intertwined with rebuilding a strong, resilient sense of self-esteem. This is because disordered eating patterns are rarely just about food. They are often tangled up with feelings of self-worth, control, and punishment.
Some eating behaviors become self-handicapping — a way to prepare for perceived failure or criticism. Abnormal eating patterns, avoiding meals, and isolating ourselves from support can sometimes reflect deeper beliefs about deservingness.
Deservedness beliefs don’t cause eating disorders, but they can make disordered eating worse or keep you stuck in harmful patterns.
Furthermore, experiencing feelings of undeservedness can contribute to a struggle with food. For some people, experiences of feeling unworthy can contribute to cycles feeding self-punishment and fear. The biggest takeaway here is rebuilding your perception of what you deserve. No matter what happens, you are worthy of nourishment, joy, and care. Healing starts by reconnecting with that unshakable truth.
Rebuilding Your Perception of Deservedness
Deservedness beliefs can be challenged and changed. Healing looks like leading with compassion when you talk to yourself, even when facing negativity.
Two ways to begin include:
- Prioritize self-compassion
- Try to untie your worth from negative experiences
Notice the way you speak to yourself during positive and negative moments is important. When the voice that says, “I deserve this negative outcome” comes up, interrupt the voice and replace it with softer truths like, “I am human, and I am still worthy.”.
Giving yourself permission to rest and make mistakes without excessive criticism. Let yourself see mistakes, setbacks, and painful experiences as part of life, not evidence that you aren’t deserving of positive experiences. Beginning to distinguish between who you are and things that are happening to you is essential.
Finally, supportive environments, whether that means trusted friends, joining a community that values you, and the space that you hold, are powerful for healing your self-worth.
Above all, rebuilding your perception of deservedness means reminding yourself daily that your worth is not something you have to earn.
We’re psychotherapists in Weschester, NY.
Visit our homepage at: www.couragepsych.com
Sources:
Curtis, S. D. (2019). Performance Psychology for Everyday Life: The Science of Everyday Living and What It Can Do for You.
Callan, M. J., Kay, A. C., & Dawtry, R. J. (2014). Making Sense of Misfortune: Deservingness, Self-Esteem, and Patterns of Self-Defeat. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
